Sea-Green with Envy

Starting this post has to be one of the hardest things I have done recently when it comes to being open. I try not to open myself up a lot; as being closed like a clam and hiding who I am or what I am really thinking has gotten me to where I am in life; ie it is a means of survival. Given that I am not really happy with where I am right now in life, holding everything in might not have been that good of an idea. Alas, that is what I had to do to get through things and as I cannot change that now, all I can do is focus on what is going on currently.

I am a jealous mermaid. I am sea-green with envy, if you will. The manner in which I am is not in a petty high-school manner, though. I am not sitting up staring at those I am obsessed with online while chatting on the phone with my friends and trying to plot their downfall so that I may rise in the ranks of my own false awesomeness.

The manner in which I am envious is rather hard to explain but I am willing to give it a go. I worry that in my explanation I may come across as blaming others for what has happened and for why I am the way I am. I do not want to point fingers and blame those around me for times in which I should have stood up and said something, but I will state that in the argument of Nature-v-Nurture (which really if you think it's one over the other rather than an equal effect, you are far behind in the realm of psychology) that which is around you does effect you, for better or worse, and can have an influence on hoe your life plays out and what kind of person you develop into. Still, I will refrain for pointing any direct fingers.

A break down in what exactly I do envy in others might be the right kicker to get this thing going.

•  Long Hair
• Thin Body
• Confidence
• A Job [Doing What They Love]
• Ability to Do or Get Anything They Want [Perceptual]
• Having a Great Mermaid Tail

This list will be the easiest way to break down some of that which I envy and am jealous of in others and help me to remain focused on each subject without jumping between them too much. Some of the other things on the list will get their own posts later; I am already planning them.

Long Hair

I know what you are thinking. "Your hair is already long!" Some people out there considering it too long, but for me it is as though it is a pixie cut. Since I was young, I have a dream of having my hair to the floor. I found long hair to be exceedingly beautiful and I admired those who took the time to care for it and treat it as the gift it is. No, I am not part of a religious sect that demands I never cut my hair or that I grow it to a certain length. I envy my fellow long hairs (men and women) who have hair that is longer than mine (greater than 40 inches). I really envy those who have hair at their ankles (or past) with blunt or U-shaped ends. It is just one of those things that we all have that we find to be personally beautiful. At least mine, however, can be obtained without harming myself or others, right? It all requires patience and sometimes, especially when coupled with other things I must be patient for, I fear I do not have enough.

There are also fears that I will not be able to reach this goal. Fears that my terminal length (the length at which hair is capable of growing to, and which is different per person) may not let me get to my desired length.

Thin Body

I have been a big girl all my life. I was a quick developer and tall and plump. I had, and still do somewhat have, an eating disorder (though it is not formally recognized as one by the DMS yet). I was a constant target for bullying. Given that I am introverted, I did not act out on the anger and hurt I was feeling, but rather turned inward. I looked to art and my creativity to escape; sometimes writing short stories or poems or doing drawings that were dark or morbid just to get things out of my system.

I also turned to food. Sweet things were everywhere in popular culture in the 1980's and early 1990's. Characters that I loved would eat them, be happy and never changed no matter how much they had it. Think of all the ice cream sundaes that My Little Ponies had. I loved My Little Pony and I wanted to be happy like them and if eating a sundae and eating things that were sweet would do it, then I would eat them and be happy. It was never the case. I ate and ate until I had swelled to 325 pounds by the time I was 25. I worked to lose weight, to help myself become a better person in the physical sense. I had a range of health problems and was at risk for a ton (no pun intended) more. After trying to take care of my weight for numerous years, I went in and got lap-banded.

Contrary to what people believe, this was not an end-all-cure-all and there was a lot of pre-surgery counseling and classes that I had to go through to help me see that. This option was still be a lot of work and would change my life forever. Because of that choice over two years ago, I have dropped 117 pounds, but I am still left with about 60 to lose, and those pounds do not want to seem to come off. I am also left with a lot of loose skin which can hide progress I am making under a blob; just like when I had the extra fat there.

With all that and the constant bombardment that we face in Western Society, the weight loss is not enough. I need to have that perfect photoshopped form as well. You know the kind, where our hips are smaller than our heads (which is physically impossible) and our legs are twice their normal length. I do not want to be a supermodel; I just wanted to be normal. And though I -am- normal by modern American standards, that is not what I mean. I want those 70 pounds to finally go and my skin to start tightening up. I know it will be work, I am not afraid of that, but with all I have done so far to get rid of them and how I have not changed, I fear I will never change.

Confidence

Any person that is willing to don a mermaid tail and brave public waters (pools, lakes, and the ocean) surely must have confidence in themselves, right? Well, not so much...  My confidence rises and falls like the tides. The confidence I display when in my tail I believe comes from the ability I have picked up over the years that I call selective-hearing. I often pretend I do not hear people when they talk about me in my tail; since most people do not realize how loud they are talking or that sound carries over water much easier than over land.

The confidence that I yearn for is the type where I am given a task, something new or unusual, and I get right to it and can get it done or know where to go for help. I want this kind of confidence in myself and my work. One can argue that I do have this confidence when it comes to taking on new art or costume tasks (Rapunzel wig anyone?) but when dealing with people, I tend to fade away and fall back like a flower in the hot sun.

Why is this? Is it because I am introverted? The years of verbal abuse from bullies? I am not sure just one of those reasons can be held higher than the others. It will take some work to get through that, and I know it. I just wish right now that I had the means to practice those skills.

A Job [Doing What They Love]

I am envious of people with jobs that they love. This does not mean that I necessarily covet their job. For example, some people really love being a police officer but I know that I would not and thus I do not envy the job position, just that that person is happy where they are. 

I spent three years in school and have earned a degree in art therapy. Do I think this field is valuable? Yes I do. Do I think that is helps people with a multitude of problems at various stages in their life? Yes. Did I enjoy doing it when I was an intern? For the most part. There were hard times, of course, but I did enjoy the fact that the people I saw got something out of what they were doing and did enjoy themselves.

However, can I do this job my whole life? I am not certain. First, I do need to find a job that allows me to do it, and with the job market the way it is finding any counseling job is hard. Not to mention, finding a job where I can work towards a license...

I sometimes wonder if I am in the right field. All right, I often wonder that. Work will be hard no matter what I do, I get that. But I wonder if there was not a perfect job out there for me doing something creative and loving each moment of it? Who knows...

Ability to Do or Get Anything They Want [Perceptual]

I get envious of people that seem to have that which I want and got it without having to work for it. That is, of course, my perception. There are people out there who have things that I desire and worked very hard for them. I just have a skewed persepective on that person just being handed said item.

I have seen this in other people when they are viewing someone who is more physically fit than them. They assume that the thin person over there has just always been thin and does not have to work for that body. That person may spend most of their time at the gym, they may run miles a day or swim laps upon laps to get that shape. You never know. (I have also seen this go the other way where thin people perceive a fat person with a cookie as only eating junk food when that person may have been dieting or may not have had a cookie in a long time and that cookie be their treat for having worked so hard and lost a lot of weight already.)

It's human nature, I suppose, to be jealous of things of that nature and assume that people get things handed to them, especially if it is something you want badly. I try to remind myself that these people have earned it, but that does not always douse the fires within me.

Having a Great Mermaid Tail

Since I started mermaid-ing, I have wanted a great tail. I have fashioned three tails out of cloth (a fourth one on the way out of boredom), but they are lacking in realism. They are inexpensive to make and are great for training with, but I look at my photographs then at the images of other mermaids with nice silicone tails and I am embarrassed. It is as though I walked into a beauty pageant off the street and am trying to hold myself up next to beauty queens in their dazzling ball gowns and full makeup.

Most mermaids do not compete with others in terms of how their tails look. They do not state "My tail is soooo much better than <name>'s." At least, they do not do it publicly. I do not doubt that some mermaids with great tails look down on those with cloth tails just as those with cloth tails look up to the nicer silicone or latex or neoprene ones in awe.

My weight has kept me from getting a nice tail. I knew that it would not make sense to spend the money on a nice mermaid tail only to have it not fit in a matter of months. Thus, it can be argued that the only reason I have not gotten a nice tail yet is that I am keeping myself from getting it and it is my own fault. However, now that I am so close to my goal weight (albeit still 60 pounds off, but that is closer than I used to be), I feel that a nice tail is out of my grasp still. I am reaching for it, trying to take hold of the glorious fluke, but until that weight is gone and I have a job and the money, that tail will continue to haunt my dreams and fill my eyes with tears.

This posting too so long to do. I started it twenty-five days ago and have just now finished it. It was hard to sit here and work on getting these feelings out and trying to write them in such a way that was not a sob fest or a pity party. I do feel somewhat better, but I know these issues I will have to continue to deal with and deal with them I shall. Hopefully getting through them will make me stronger in the end.

Book Review: RAPUNZEL'S DAUGHTERS

 
Title: Rapunzel's Daughters: What Women's Hair Tells Us About Women's Lives
Author: Rose Weitz
Genre: Women's Studies / Social Studies

This book was a random find at the local bookstore. Given my love of my hair and the journey of growing it to the floor (and maybe beyond), I thought that learning about the cultural context of hair might be interesting. I did have some worried that it might be filled with pro-short-hair propaganda as the rest of the hair world seems to be, but I decided to just accept that as someone else's opinion and read the book anyways.

I really enjoyed the talk this book gave on hair from other cultures in the past and present. It was a shame that more about that subject was not covered. While the author did talk about some hair related cultural differences between the American culture and African and Hispanic women, I wish there had bee more history on hair as a whole or more glimpses into these other hair cultures more so than what was touched on. I have discovered other books with that as a subject and I will have to get them soon.


Something that I did not like about this book was the lack of attention to older women with long hair (and by long I mean longer than waist length.) There are many of them out there; I know a lot of them! This book seemed to acknowledge that society wants us women to cut our hair shorter as we get older, but it did not seem to focus on the "counter culture" of hair. It did talk a little about African American women who choose to go natural with their hair (rather than use straighteners or weaves) and I found that very interesting. I understand, though, that being white I do not have the same stresses put on me about hair that African American women do, nor do I have a full grasp on how their hair works within their culture.

What was pleasant was that at the end of the book, the author did state we all have a choice about our hair. It was not someone who collected a big mass of stories and cultural information to try and push people one way or the other. Also, the way that hair was written about was very nice. There was no hatred of one hair style over the other or one length over another or other factors that could cause some women (and perhaps men) to get upset or angry over those little things.

".... as it was for Rapunzel, our hair remains an almost magical substance: both uniquely public, open to others' interpretations, and uniquely personal, growing out of our bodies and molded (if imperfectly) to our individual desires."

I find that quote quite lovely. If you are interesting in hair, women's studies, or social cultures in general, this book will be a fun read.

Merlissa the Mermaid's Rating: 

Mermaid Sighted at Oceanside!

As planned, I made it to the coast yesterday. At a nice little beach that my fiancée and I "found" one one of our first trips to the coast together, I got out my tail and look several pictures. With it being summer and the sun being out, there were of course a lot of people.

The most amount of attention came from a group of young men; probably in their early 20's. They had stripped down to their swimming trunks and gotten into the water near where I was. While they were exploring sea caves is when I got into my position for the dry shoot photos (on a rock, out of the water.) When they came back, I could hear them shouting "Mermaid! Mermaid!" I ignored their shouting at first and kept working, but they pointed out some sea caves that I could take pictures in. (I didn't since I could not control the currents and there were a lot of rocks.)

More attention fell on me from little children. While I did not see her, my fiancée and cameraman stated that she stood on the beach and just watched me, completely enchanted. I cannot imagine how enchanted she would be with me being stuck in the small waves, being rolled around like a barrel, with tiny copepods biting my skin.

Those copepods were the worst! I would have stayed in the water longer than I had if I had not had to deal with those little copepods. They crawled on my tail and arms. I thought they were adorable at first, but when they started to bite I knew otherwise! Hmph!

Even though I only saw good responces to people seeing my tail, I could not help but think of how much better I would have looked in a more realistic tail: something where when the fabric got wet my legs were better hidden. I know what I need to do to get one: get a job. Sadly, with my other bills and things from school, it may be a long time until I get those funds... and I still have to find that job. Even with a Master's degree, finding one is proving difficult...

 

At least I had fun this time. I need to do it more often... Minus the copepods.

The Not-So-Little Mermaid

It has been almost a year since I was last able to get into my mermaid tail and hit up the beach for some photos and now that I am going to be doing just that in a matter of days, I am, not so sure...

 I keep dropping weight, but I do not fear my tail not fitting... one of the pluses to it being made of cloth is that the type I used is stretchy and wont sag for a while longer, but that is where the pluses really end.Sure, making the last three tails I have had from cloth has made it cheaper. The additional painting, not so much, but I enjoyed doing it. I thought it gave the tails a little added flare and made it more personal and thus more creative.

I had to keep creating tails as the years went by. Not only from me losing 115 pounds (and still counting), but anyone who has a bathing suit knows how they tend to wear out. The fabric sags, loses its shine or details, and begins to tear. My first tail, dubbed the Black Tail, had little sequins all over it to make it shine. I think I left most of them scattered among pools on the East Coast in 2008. When that tail tore and got too big, I moved onto the second tail, dubbed the Blue Tail]. This one had added fins and a dorsal fin. I also made one for my fiancée so that we matched. The fabric was shimmery and looked like it had scales on it, but as it work out it came see-through and the illusion was shortly lost. The third tail that I have made I have nick-named the Spotted Tail, or sometimes the Marlin Tail, though it does not really look like a real marlin. The spotted tail is what my last photos were done in, and what this one will be done in on Thursday.

Somehow, I am not sure I will really feel like myself... like a real mermaid... in this tail. It has no obvious signs of wear and tear. In fact, it has held up really nice and the paint is still luminescent and beautiful. The foam in the dorsal fin is still holding up (which helps the fin to stand when it's in water), and though the tip of the tail do not stand out as they used to, they still hide the monofin inside the fluke all right.

But... It's so clearly a costume tail... I mean, who would it fool? Small children aside, I am not sure my tail is really that impressive anymore. This is not a new thought. I have had these down-on-my-tail thoughts for a long time; longer than I have actually been making them. I always wanted a lovely realistic tail. Something that when I was seen would make people not just raise a brow but marvel at it. I am not looking for fame or anything like Hannah or some other mermaids out there. I just wanted to have fun and look like the mermaid I know I am on the inside.

There are some tail makers who are around that if I had the funds right now, I would be purchasing tails and sending them my drawings (yes, you are one of them, Merman Jesse!) but just out of grad school with bills to pay and no job has left me... beached. Not to mention I wanted to be, well, more attractive when I got my nice tail. I am a not-so-little mermaid. Never have been. I made the first tail when I weighed 325 pounds. I didn't care then what people thought: I wanted a tail, I could make one, and I was going to do it and who cares what others thought! I still don't care of others approve, but.. I just want to be able to do it in a nicer tail. But I am stuck. Stuck with a Master's degree and no job. Stuck at 210 pounds. Stuck with no hope in sight of getting my tail dreams to come true.

While becoming Rapunzel (another post, another time) did help me get through the winter and give me some more inspiration in terms of dance and keeping me from falling into the depths of despair as I finished grad school and worked amongst the ill, demented, and dying for nine months, it is not replacement for a tail. Really, letting my hair down lets me walk among humans but still remember that I am different and that is okay.

I have such big dreams for tails, but the magic to make those dreams come true has seemed to have dried up like a tide pool in the summer sun.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Cat owners know that their cats can cause trouble. It seems to be cat's nature to be a problem maker. This does not mean, though, that all the problems that occur should be blamed on the cat.

We have five (yes, five) dogs in my house for the next two weeks. (Well, one will go home after 1 week.) Not only is it our two dachshunds (Sherlock and Molly), but my sister's other dachshund (Watson), my aunt's bichon-cockerspaniel mix (Sage), but also my step sister's St Bernard (Grover). So far everyone has been getting along, except the cat.

Selkie (the cat) is terrified of Grover. She has been hiding upstairs or in closets so she does not have to see him. We even have to carry her downstairs to make sure she gets to her food bowl. This cat would rather starve then be around that dog. With this in mind, she is still the first one blamed for problems.

This morning, there were dog treats all over the floor and the dogs were eating them up. I was told that -my- cat (she is only called this when she is in trouble) spilled the treats and the dogs were going nuts. Did anyone see the cat on the counter? No. Did anyone see the cat downstairs at all? No. Still, she must have done it. Who else would right?

This bugged me. Yes, Selkie has gotten on the counter before, but so have the dogs. Sherlock in particular is not above getting on furniture to reach things on tables or counters and the same can be said about Sage, probably even more so! I let this stew in me for a while before I could speak with my fiancée in private and express how angry I was that the cat always got the blame.

During this conversation, Grover stood up on his back paws, put his whole head in the sink and was licking the plates within. I yelled at him and he promptly got down and walked away. My mother's BF came in and asked what had happened. When I told him he said, "Well, maybe the cat didn't do that thing earlier."

 

How could blame go right to the cat when there are three known dogs in this house to grab stuff off tables and counters and one of them happens to be the size of a small horse?! It annoys me as much as the people who set off the explosion type fireworks that make all these dogs upset... speaking of...

My Rapunzel Limited Edition Collector's Doll Arrived!

 My Rapunzel Doll is Here!!!

SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!
Okay, deep breath. Must make a post... Calm... calm... calm....
*clears throat.*

When she arrived, I was surprised to see how beat up the box was. Check out those images to your left. See how dented it is? Now, the box was a reused one (props to the seller for being green!) but I am not sure that the box was in -this- bad of shape when it got sent to me. Why do I think this? Well, if this is how the box looked imagine the doll inside. Are you collectors cringing yet? Take a deep breath and let it out. I opened the box, my stomach turning with what I might find inside. I was so worried that the box the doll came in would be destroyed. However, considering how this box looked, the doll's box was not too bad...

There were three noticeable dents in the doll's box, and all of then on the plastic sheets. Thus, there were little white marks on the plastic. *sigh* Well, the box would not be considered mint, but the doll inside was perfectly fine. To the right you can see one the damaged sections of the plastic. I circled them in red. It really is minor and while it would have been nice to have a mint box, I am not fretting too much. I know a lot of collectors who have taken the doll out of the box completely and done all sorts of things with it (in terms of pictures, undressing it, etc.) While my box may not be perfect, at least I hope to keep the doll that way.

The doll, by the way, is beautiful...

 Gotta love the reflection of the flash right on her face. The box she came in actually opens real easily without it having to be damaged. The damage would come if you tried to remove the doll from the box, but as I stated before that is not something I am going to do. I was super excited that I was able to open the box and look closer at the details of the doll.

The fabrics of her dress are quite soft. The deep purple details on the skirt are flocked in velvet. There are crystals galore, and I am a girl who loves her crystals. The hair is made of at least two different types of material. Some of the strands are straighter and more blonde while the others are slightly crimped and are more golden to mimic her hair when it glows when she sings in the film. She comes without shoes, since for the majority of the film (you know, the good parts before she was made just another plane-Jane with a horrid hair cut) she does not wear them. In her hand she holds a hair brush. It is perfectly detailed to match the one in the film as well as one that was made into a necklace (which of course I also own!)

 




The final surprise came when I found out what edition number she was. For some collectors, the closer the number of the doll is to 1, the more valuable she is considered. When I got her, I did not care what number she was, so long as I had her! I had seen dolls on eBay with their numbers in the 3,000 - 5,000 range. The doll's certificate of authenticity was found when I opened the box and it revealed her number:

1752! It did not mean much to me that she had a low number, but I was amazed to see a doll with this low a number. Had she been in the top ten or even top hundred made I might have been even more excited.

Now, Rapunzel sits on my Tangled shelf with all my other Tangled items; dolls, home made crown, homemade flower, pins, and other items. For now, my collection feels complete, even if it isn't. (I didn't want the wedding doll with her nasty short hair.)

There is another doll coming out in October that I am stalking... Who knows... Maybe she will join my collection as well...

Water, water everywhere...

I had to travel to the coast today to pick up my sister's boyfriend from the Job Corp center out there. It is the second time I have been to the coast in the last month, and the second time I had to go tail-less. We managed to walk a little bit along the coast, but only up on the boatwalk; not even down on the sand.

I looked over at the gray water and sighed. Taking a picture, I told my fiancée "At least I got to see it, right?" It was torture to see people playing in the water, splashing about, and me being stuck on land. I wanted to run down there, toss my clothes to the sand and leap in... but alas. I could not.

I want to get to the coast and spend the day in my tail. I want to so bad I can feel it in my very being. I am unsure when or if I will get there again. I have to pretend to grow up and getting a job takes all my time. After my day at the fair, I am unsure when I will have time to get to the coast or if I will have the money to.

Here is to hoping I will get at least one day in my tail this year... just one.

Sapphire and Amethyst

The original engagement ring... I still miss it.

In 2008, my fiancée proposed to me. He presented me with a white gold, diamond, and sapphire ring  in Salem, Mass. on Halloween. I loved that ring and did not let it leave my finger for anything... until I started to lose weight.

As many people know, when you lose weight your fingers also slim up. The ring that had fit me perfectly when I was over three hundred pounds was suddenly (well, not that suddenly) too loose. Several times I told myself to get something, some kind of ring adjuster to put on the inside of the ring so it would fit, and several times I put it off.

On an evening I went to visit a friend, I took off my ring and put it in my pocket so that I would not lose it during a dog walk. When I went to put my ring back on, I discovered it was missing. The ring had gotten out of my pocket and vanished. I searched all over, tears in my eyes, and could not find it. I looked over that area several times, even getting a metal detector and it never turned up. Never.

I was beside myself in misery. My fiancée was not angry with me; he understood I was trying not to lose it and said that he would replace it with something better later. I didn't want a new one; I wanted the one he had given me and asked me to be his wife with. I was inconsolable, and I still get depressed about it to this day.

My hand was naked for a long time. I felt strange not wearing a ring and even stranger trying to put a different ring on. My future mother-in-law even sent me an old diamond ring of hers to wear to try and make me feel better. The thought was nice, but I could not do it.

A few months ago I decided that I wanted something, some kind of ring to wear on my finger. I wanted some visual alert to the rest of the world that I was taken. I started to look at cheap glass rings; something that looked nice but would not cost me too much to purchase. I looked through stores, trying to see something that was even similar to the one I had. The harder I looked, the less I saw and the more rings I left in the dust. Eventually, I decided that it was not as big a deal if the ring did not look like the original. In fact, it was somewhat freeing. That did not mean I was not as picky. I still wanted something that was me; something that was shiny and when someone looked at it (that knew me) they would say, "It's so you!"

On a visit to the mall, I saw such a ring. It was CZ with sterling silver and amethyst. I was so in love with the color, but I was still unsure about getting it. There was a strange fight going on in my mind. It was as though if I put on this ring, this impostor of an engagement ring, I was forsaking my original and thus forsaking my fiancée. I know, it makes little sense, but it made perfect sense in my mind. I left the ring at the store, even though my fiancee said that he liked it and thought it was lovely. I just could not see getting it yet.

The new ring.

Tonight, I took my fiancée out for dinner. Since the place we wanted to eat at was so crowded (dinner rush at Chipolte), we walked the mall first. We spent time just enjoying being with each other and I picked up my sister a new Cinderella water bottle from the Disney Store to make her feel better after having surgery. On our way out, I looked in a store and saw that ring again. I picked it up and looked at it, then at my fiancée. He shook his head and had me put it away before he picked up an identical ring, though the purple stone was a little darker, and smiled. "I would have gotten the darker color," he said. He knew the reason I wanted the ring and hearing that, I purchased the CZ and amethyst ring. After I got it, my fiancée took the ring and stopped me in the mall. He didn't get down on his knee (mostly since his knees are bad), but he did slide the ring on me and whispered, "Mine." [Trust me, the tone was gentle and sweet... not possessive at all. Besides, he knows I could kick his butt. ;)]

While it is not my original ring, and my fiancée still says he will get me something better later (as in my real wedding ring),  I am happy with it. It is shiny, pretty, and I know he likes it. It also is a little visual reminder of our love and connection.

The Collection Grows

In 2010, Disney released an animated movie called TANGLED. It was a retelling of Grimm's Rapunzel. While there were some things about the movie I did not like, overall I found it to be a lovely story; heartwarming and visually beautiful to experience.

That same year, the Disney Store released a special edition 17 inch doll for the film. Her attire was slightly different, with elongated sleeves versus the one she actually wore in the film, but this assisted in making the doll more beautiful and more elegant. The doll also has several crystals over the bodice, skirt, trim, and the ends of the pink cording on the bodice. I thought she was beautiful, and I wanted her, given her going rate on eBay ($250 - $700), I figured she was not meant to be. That did not keep me from waiting and watching.

In February 2012, the Disney Store released another version of the Rapunzel doll: the wedding doll. While the gown was lovely and the crown beautiful, her hair was butchered into the ridiculous bob she ended that version of her story with and that turned me off to it completely. I saw the doll in person, looking it over, but the hair was so terrible I could not get past it. I decided then that I did not want the wedding doll and would keep my hope out to get the first released one.

My collection of Rapunzel items grew slowly. The ladies at the only local Disney Store began to call me Rapunzel and knew me as that name for the items I bought, the long hat I crocheted, the costume I made, and my own hair (though it does sort of annoy me when women with hair above at least knee-length are called "Rapunzel;" even more so if their hair is only my length [42 inches.]) The ladies would tell me when new things were coming out; when there would be a new this or that. More often than not, they knew what things I did like and what I did not like so they knew what to let me know what was coming out. For example; when the wedding pascal plush came out they let me know, but when something such as children's clothing or more of the accessories and other items came out, it was not brought to my attention.

On June 22, 2012, Disney and Pixar released their new film BRAVE. While my fiancée and I were walking the mall, we stopped in and peeked at the new Merida Limited Edition Doll. One of the ladies at the store asked me if I had seen it (the doll.) I said I had and that while Merida was a lovely doll, I was still hunting down the Rapunzel one from 2010. The lady joked about how she understood how I felt about the doll and me wanting to save my money and put it towards the Rapunzel one: "If this was Mulan," she said, "I would be tossing down my credit card and charging it right then and there!" Leaving the Disney Store, I glanced back at the Merida LE Doll and wondered if I would ever see the Rapunzel I was looking for.

That night, I sat at my computer and I looked over eBay at the Rapunzel dolls. The search was flooded with the wedding dolls that it seems all these people who bought them early to resell at a higher price could not move, and a few of the precious purple-dressed one I was searching for. My funds were limited; I had a certain amount of money I could spend as a gift from my aunt for my graduation. I sighed as I looked at the prices on my purple princess: $715, $635, $330, and so on... all not including the shipping cost. I kept scrolling further and further down the page, not really expecting to see anything... and then there she was.

A listing for the Rapunzel doll I have been looking for for under $170; only a $65 mark up from the original sale price in 2010 from the Disney Store. The person selling her had a 100% positivity rating for nearly 450 sales over their eBay lifetime and was located within the United States (this doll was released worldwide.) As I read over the doll's description it stated she was still in the box and unopened. Her edition number was unknown as the card that tells you that information is inside the box and the person did not want to open it. Further reading revealed why the doll was being sold:

"I'm currently training for a half marathon and raising $1000 for Alex's Lemonade Stand for pediatric cancer research as part of the endeavor.  40% of the purchase price for the doll will benefit this very worthy cause (tax-deductible!). :)"

 My eyes darted to see how many people had bid on her so far. Five. There were over twenty hours left in the auction. I added it to my watch list and waited. As the time wore down, I kept checking in to see if there were any bidding wars or things that would turn me away and make the dream of finally getting my doll a reality. My anxiety rose as the minutes ticked away and the internet speed in my house started to decline. The page was not refreshing as easily and the countdown clock started to not show the right time; lagging by a few seconds. A few seconds in eBay time is like the difference between life and death.

On eBay I am one of those persons that most people do not like. I refer to myself as a shark. I have dealt with sharks on other items in the past and while I was aggravated about losing those auctions, I could see how effective it was to be a shark. I am not always this way with items I try to get on there, but for things I have been searching years for I am more cut throat. I waited... circled... waited.... circled...

At last, the counter hit under 15 seconds. I entered my bid; a few dollars higher than the price on there and clicked the bid button. It stalled a moment, asking if I was sure, and when I hit yes the timer ran to zero. I was convinced in that moment I had waited too long to act, but as the page refreshed I saw in large text at the top of the screen on a green band: You won this auction.

Shaking like a chihuahua in the snow as the adrenaline coursed through me, I could not believe it. I had my doll and for way, way less than people were trying to mark her up for. Not only that, but she was helping a good cause. Now, the hard part: waiting. Waiting for her to arrive. At least in the mean time, I can make some space on my Rapunzel Collection Shelf for her.

Why Paranormal Shows [Sometimes] Suck

I love the paranormal; which I really think -is- normal, just something we do not understand yet. I also love watching paranormal shows. Some of the shows are more fake than others, and I know that and I still watch them for the sheer entertainment value of it rather than looking at it as "OMG! I need to base my whole belief on ghosts on this one show and this one bit of footage!" Other times, I just like watching the investigators scare themselves.

There is one show that I was excited to see coming on the air because I thought it would be something great about debunking things and weeding out the crap from the gems; but I have been proven wrong. The show Fact or Faked on the SyFy Channel was on this night. I have enjoyed watching this show and have agreed with most of what they have done and explored on there. Tonight, however, they really annoyed me.

It was not their dissection of the Oregon Vortex that bugged me (as I pretty much already knew about those), but rather this footage they had of a "ghost" on camera. This "ghost" was so very clearly a bug. I have seen a lot of bug-on-the-lense footage and they all can look very different and strange depending on the insect type, the camera type, the time of day, etc. However, this one was so very much a bug I felt almost stupid watching them argue over it.

In the footage, you can SEE the bug (I will assume a fly since it was in a pub and the way it moved) clean it's legs, flicker it's wings, and then crawled off the screen. Rather than come to this conclusion, they flew ALL THE WAY to England, tested the footage against bugs, smoke, fabric, and heat to see if they could mimic the original footage.

While in teh begining, they were so admiment that it was not a bug, and they had even said  after their bug test, "This cannot be a bug!" they agreed IT WAS A BUG! Really? Ya don't say? Wow. I'm so glad it took you all that money and time to tell us something that was so clearly obvious in the first place.

I was less upset that they had wasted the time and money and fuel and more mad that they had just drawn this out, so very very very long only to go: Oh, I guess it was a bug... you guys agree? Bug? Ok, it's a fake video. END EPISODE.

Great job.

And, why is a video "fake" if it's a natural thing? "Oh, this black ribbon in the sky ... people think it's paranormal, but is is fact or faked?... Faked! These are bats!" How is that fake? It's a REAL bat flying in a REAL sky during a REAL event. Even if someone -tried- to pass it off as something paranormal, the video it self is not a FAKE, but the story around it is. I guess they don't care to try and explain that to people. If it's not paranormal it's fake and that is all we care about. Again; great job.

I am not a skeptic, but I am also not stupid.

Crotchety Crochet

Back in March, I taught myself to crochet. I saw a lovely hat that was based on Rapunzel's braid [Tangled] for sale on Etsy. Not only did I not have the $70 to buy it, the braid itself only would fall to my hips. What was the fun in that? My real hair was longer! I then decided that I had to teach myself to crochet to make that hat and to make it floor length. So I did.

With some hooks that had been my grandmother's (and no one in the family used since no one could crochet in the home; all knitters), some spare yarn from my mother, and a book (along with YouTube videos), I taught myself to crochet in three days. From there, I set off to make the hat: a feat that took me only two days to complete and another three to four for all the felted flowers that were put on it. Ideally, I will make this hat again later and then crochet the flowers and put them on instead of the felt one.

It was a few more months before I was able to find the time to dedicate myself to learning more about crocheting. I had gotten several patterns from online (free and paid for) and some books. With lots of studying, I was able to read patterns easier and began to learn how to do different stitches; even when they confused me by having the same stitch have two or more different names!

While I am making great progress with my Amigurumi projects (little dolls and animals) in terms of a unicorn and Derpy Hooves, I am still having trouble with my Amigurumi Rapunzel. She was the first pattern I got for the dolls way back in late March and I've held onto it all this time so that I could learn to crochet better and thus actually make her. Well, she is giving me a lot of grief. I cannot count the number of times I have attempted to make her, but the whole slip stitch then chain stitch when it comes to making her skirt has me adding additional stitches on accident and messing up the rest of the pattern. I keep putting it away, trying to ignore it  and work on some of the other patterns I have started, but this doll... I have to finish her... I will finish her... I can do it!

Why Donating Hair is a Crock

There are many things that people find offensive. Some are offended by words or images, but there are a wide variety of other things that can be offensive to certain people. One of the main things that I find so very offensive if when people ask me when (not if) I am going to donate my hair to Locks of Love. It gets worse when people are then angry at my response ("I don't plan to donate") and then even have the nerve to call me selfish for doing what I want with my hair (growing it). These people have no idea what I do in my spare time, the hours I have given to working with the elderly who have dementia, the effort I have put into getting my hair where it is and the plans I have for it in the future.

What is worse, to me, is that they always suggest the same thing. "Donate it so that a kid with cancer can have a wig!" Really? You still think that a child with cancer will end up with my hair as part of their wig? Sadly, they are mistaken, but my words will fall on deaf ears as they still see me as someone who is just selfish.

So what is so wrong with donating hair to charity? Nothing, if you are looking to get out of paying the $15 for a hair cut. With most of the donating things that happen, that is the only good outcome that will come of it. Few places actually get wigs to children, and far fewer of them will be children with cancer, and even fewer of them will be given away instead of paid for.

Below are some examples from different sources about the subject.

... although charities have been highly effective at stirring the passions of donors, they have been less successful at finding a use for the mountains of hair sent to them as a result. As much as 80 percent of the hair donated to Locks of Love, the best known of the charities, is unusable for its wigs, the group says. Many people are unaware of the hair donation guidelines and send in hair that is gray, wet or moldy, too short, or too processed, some of which is immediately thrown away. Even hair that survives the winnowing may not go to the gravely ill, but may be sold to help pay for charities’ organizational costs.

At the headquarters of Locks of Love in Lake Worth, Fla., the hair deluge — up to 2,000 individual donations a week — can be daunting for the small staff of six employees and 10 to 15 volunteers.

“We created this monster because people get so much from it,” said Madonna Coffman, the president of Locks of Love. “They get the attention. They get a warm and fuzzy feeling. They feel they’re going to help a child.”

Locks of Love sends the best of the hair it receives to a wig manufacturer, Taylormade Hair Replacement in Millbrae, Calif., which weeds through the selection still further, rejecting up to half.

“We hate throwing it away but ultimately we have to clear the place out,” said Greg Taylor, the president and owner of Taylormade. “There is a disparity between the hundreds and hundreds of braids and ponytails and the number of hairpieces we’ve produced.”

Mr. Taylor sells the wigs wholesale to Locks of Love for less than $1,000. Since the charity began in December 1997, it has provided about 2,000 wigs to recipients for free or a reduced price. The group makes clear in its literature and on its Web site that most of the wig recipients are not children with cancer. Rather, they are children who suffer from alopecia areata, an autoimmune disorder that destroys follicles and results in hair loss. About 2 percent of the population, including half a million children, are estimated to have alopecia.

But many alopecia sufferers seem unaware that they are the group’s main priority; only about 10 apply for a wig each week, Ms. Coffman said. Many donors, too, seem ignorant or only partly aware of the group’s focus. Maggie Varney, a hairdresser and owner of a salon in St. Clair Shores, Mich., said she was shocked to learn that hair she collected from her clients and sent to Locks of Love was not used for wigs for children with cancer.

The idea that donated hair can benefit a gravely ill woman or child is so pervasive that some long-haired people even report being harassed for not chopping off their locks. Heidi Woeller, 47, an administrative assistant at a hardware company in DeKalb, Ill., whose hair reaches the back of her calves when worn loose, recalled that at an antiques fair last summer two women asked if she intended to donate. When she said no, they berated her, insisting she set an example. “They’re basically asking, ‘What are your charitable intentions this year?’ ” Ms. Woeller said.

                                                                                            Elizabeth Hayt, The New York Times, 2007

They seem to have edited their website, so that they removed a lot of the numbers that we put together to figure out what is going on.

From this page [http://www.locksoflove.org/press.html], they say that they were founded in 1989, and that they have served "over 2000" children. For the math, I'll say 2500, since that's the next number they're likely to round off to. The total is probably under 3000, or else they've said "over 3000." Since they were founded in 1989, they've been in existance for 17 years, in which to do this work. Some of the children probably have gotten more than one wig, so lets say, 3000 wigs.

In a previous version of their website, they said they received 2000 hair donations a week. However, they probably didn't get so many over their whole existence (starting from zero), so I'll say an average of 1000 per week, over their existence.

At some point they posted that they needed 6-10 donations per wig. I'll go with 10.

So these are the numbers I'll use to figure out how much hair goes into the wigs.

1000 donations a week
10 donations per wig
15 years
3000 wigs

1000 donations a week x 52 weeks in a year x 15 years is 780,000 donations.

780,000 donations, with 10 donations per wig, would be hair for 78,000 wigs.

They've probably made about 3000 wigs, from donations sufficient to make 78,000. That is about 3.8% of the hair received going to wigs.

That's a scam, at least from the hair donors point of view.

People are donating their hair to go into wigs, not to be sold, thrown out, or left sitting in a warehouse. People are being pressured to cut their hair for donation, by people who think the hair will go into wigs for sick kids.

Locks of Love is saying "give us your hair, we'll make it into a wig for a sick kid." And overall, that's a lie.

And it is a lie that leads to many of us being pressured to cut our hair when we don't want to.

And that's why many people here don't like Locks of Love.

                                                                                    Anonymous, The Long Hair Community*, 2008

 *Not all persons at the Long Hair Community or similar support sites are against the donation of hair to the right cause. However, Locks of Love is often referred to as "LoL" on that and similar support sites for a reason, and not just to abbreviate their name into initials.

I have two problems with the whole donation issue:

A) Companies flat out LIE to get people to donate. They lie about the state of the hair they need, how much they need for a single wig, they lie about who the donations will go to and they GUILT TRIP people into donating. It’s not just LoL [Locks of Love].

B) But hey, say that didn’t lie: You know what people with a sickness want? What little children with cancer want? A cure. And if they can’t have THAT, you know what they want then? Blood donors. Bone marrow donors. Volunteers donating their time to make life tolerable for sick people and bring a ray of sunshine in their lives. Money for doctors, nurses and caretakers. Money towards education and awareness programs. Money towards studies and science.

I have a huge freaking problem with people who think they have “saved a little girl with cancer, yay!” because they haven’t [when it comes to donating hair]. All they have done is do a big fat public stunt to make themselves look good. It’s completely selfish. “Look how deep and totally non-shallow I am! Sitting here in the spotlight and being totally deep and totally non-shallow and saving a little girl with cancer!” How about donating money? Time? Blood? Bone marrow? Maybe a kidney? No, no, what was I thinking. That doesn’t come with 15 minutes basking in the spotlight, because that is ACTUALLY helping someone. Directly. Not just indirectly by giving you the chance of maybe, just maybe, your hair is in a state where it’s actually useful for a wig to cover up someone’s temporary baldness.

                                                                        Ida Frøslev Pedersen, Friend and Fellow Rapunzel, 2012

The next time you see a person with long hair, don't assume they will want to donate it to a scam and don't assume they don't do anything to help people. Instead, ask yourself "What have I done to help recently?"

Mermaid Care for Mermaid Hair

Introduction
The care of one's hair is up to them; whether they love it or abuse it is in the hands of the hair grower. No matter the length, there are women, and men, looking for ways to better take care of their hair and bring out the best in it. This is not as much of a challenge for short hair as long hair. With someone keeping their hair short, they can cut off what is damage and not have to worry as much about the lasting effects of harmful dyes or other treatments to the hair itself.

Those of us who want long hair, and to me long hair is anything past waist, the hair must be treated well and protected from excess damage. The following hair care routines are the ones I follow. These work for me, but they are by no means perfect for everyone. If you are looking for how to improve your hair's health and condition, you may use these as a starting place. Good luck!

General Hair Care Routine
The general hair care routine is what I do throughout the week. It does vary some as some products that are new (or at least new to me) may be tried out and experimented with. However, more often than not this is the method that I use to care for my hair.

• Shampoo, focusing on the scalp. Do not use nails to scratch at the scalp and do not pile hair on head to scrub.
• Rinse hair.
• Conditioner, focusing mostly on the ends. Leave conditioner in hair for about five minutes.
• Rinse hair.
• (Here, some treatments like ACV's are done from time to time.)
• Apply leave in conditioner to hair once shower is done.
• Allow hair to dry. In the winter, I use a hair dryer [not on hot] if the weather is very cold. In general, I allow my hair to air dry to minimize damage.
• Apply hair oil to the hair to increase the shine and give the hair some moisture.

Swimming Hair Care Routine
Because I am a swimmer, my hair care routine had to change in order to preserve my hair in the face of harsh chemicals and sea water. Before I even go swimming, I have ways I protect my hair. If I am swimming for exercise, I tend to use a swim cap. If I am mermaid-swimming, my hair can vary depending on if I am filming or having a photo shoot or not. Below are some ways to protect the hair while you go swimming.

• Swim caps. They come in many sizes and do come in latex free!
• Buns and Braids. This reduces surface area.
• Soak your hair in fresh water first to minimize the amount of pool/ sea water your hair will absorb.
• Put an oil [like olive oil] in your hair to help protect it from pool/sea water. Do not use so much you cause an oil spill. ;)
• Put in a conditioner into your hair to protect it from pool/sea water. Again, do not use too much. You do not want globs of it floating away around your head.

In general, the routine to wash is the same but there is just an addition of a few more steps with a few more products. I wash my hair as soon as I can after I swim. At the gym,  I will wash my hair partly there and then again at home or just wait until I get home where the water quality is better.

• Shampoo with Swimminer's Shampoo
• Rinse
• Condition with Swimmer's Conditioner
• Shampoo with normal shampoo
• Rinse
• Normal conditioner, sometimes more than one time. Let the conditioner stay in the hair upwards of ten minutes.
• Rinse
• [ACV treatments if necessary]
• Leave-in conditioner
• Oils once hair is dry

Styling for Protection
The ways in which I style my hair usually are a means to protect it. Buns and braids keep the hair together and protected from the dangers of snagging on things, catching on things, drawing too much attention (usually negative), from being touched without permission (you'd be surprised how often that happens), people pulling on it (thought braids do little to help here), and cats thinking I have gotten them a new toy (again, braids not so much here.)

This does not mean that I do not wear my hair down. You wear it up to make sure it looks its best when you want to wear it down. Something that some people fail to understand when it comes to long hair is that you are not growing it to impress anyone else; it is for you. Even the hair styles you wear it up in should be ones that you like. Don't like buns and only like braids? Fine, wear braids! It is all up to you. Below is a list of some of the more common styles that my hair is put in to protect it. Some of the styles are represented by their name versus what they are (ie Spanish Lady vs Rope Braid.)

• Cinnamon Bun & Variations
• Knot Bun
• Nautilus Bun
• Rose Bun
• Braided Bun
• Sock Bun
• English Braid
• Luana Braids (Bunned and unbunned)
• Hawser Braid
• Rope Braid
• Rapunzel Braid
• Stardust Style
• Medieval Roll (with ponytail or braid)
• Spanish Lady

Favorite Products
The product that you use should be one that works best for you. Some people can do wonderfully with one product, but other people will have little to no success with that same product. It is about finding what works best for your hair. There is a lot of trial and error in finding products. To find them, try buying trial sizes or have other uses for the shampoos and conditioners that didn't work (such as body wash or shaving conditioner.) The products below are ones that work well with my hair. I have found these products over much trial and error, but these ones are always good for me. Products with a star (*) are the ones currently being used.

Shampoo

• LUSH Godiva Shampoo Bar*
• LUSH Karma Komba Shampoo Bar
• Garnier Sleek & Shine Shampoo
• One n' Only Argan Shampoo (Expensive! Probably will not buy again based on that.)

Conditioner

• Herbal Essence Long Term Relationship Conditioner*
• Jason Natural Jojoba Long and Strong for Healthy Hair Growth*
  
• Garnier Sleek & Shine Conditioner
• Organix Renewing Moroccan Argan Oil Conditioner Treatment
• Ever Pure Smooth Conditioner Treatment

Oils

• One n' Only Argan Oil* (Most used and most loved)
• African Pride Olive Miracle* (Scalp only)
• The Body Shop Grapeseed Oil
• Organix Nourishing Coconut Milk Oil

Leave-ins & Sprays

• Herbal Essence Long Term Relationship Leave-in Conditioner*
• LUSH R&B Moisture Leave-in Conditioner*
• Aussie Anti-Breakage Spray
• Garnier Triple Nutrition Spray
• Dove Nourishing Oils Spray
• Aubrey Organics Primrose Tangle-Go
• Suave Kids Twirlin' Swirlberry Soft & Smooth Detangler & Conditioner

Other Hair Items

• Tangle Teezer*
• Boar Bristle Brush
• Detangle Comb
• Satin Sleep Cap*

Conclusion
The care of one's hair is up to them. What works for one person may not work for another, but it is also a good place to start for someone who may not know where to turn to first. Try seeing what your hair needs and then get products or do treatments to fulfill those needs.

Always remember that long hair is for you. It is something that will take time, effort, and lots of love and care to achieve. Do not let the petty jealousies of others change your mind.

Long hair is a gift, not a burden.

Oceans of Hair

A question I seem to get asked a lot is "Why the long hair?" I have
several reasons as to why I want long hair, but some are more important than others.

When I was a preteen I had pixie length hair. I kept it like this for a few years because It was easy for me to take care of. Then one day I was confronted about going into the ladies bathroom. An older woman lectured me about being a proper gentleman. I was embarrassed, but I kept myself together and told her "I'm a girl!" before I walked into the restroom to do my business. I probably embarrassed her more than I was, but I knew I had to grow my hair out at least a little so I would not be seen as a boy anymore.

Another small thing that pushed me into long hair was I saw an article that said women who were overweight had to keep their hair either very short or very long to keep them looking thin. I knew I wasn't going to go short again, so I knew I would go long. To me at that time, very long hair meant back to my butt where it had been when I was younger. My aunt told me later that very long in the fashion world is past your shoulders, and I should have stopped there. So why did I keep going?

Long hair to me is the manifestation of several positive aspects of the self. It shows that you have patience, are gentle (since hair can be fragile), are not afraid to invest time in things (be they hair or otherwise), have creativity since it takes some form of it to put your hair up in different braids and buns and other styles, and long hair is a symbol of beauty. Classic paintings have women with long, flowing hair and women who are considered beautiful have long hair in general. Does this mean women with short hair or pixie hair are not desired and not beautiful? Of course not, but in my own eyes, and thankfully the eyes of my fiancé, the longer the hair is (so long as it is in good condition) the more beautiful the person is aesthetically, no matter if they are fat, thin, old, young, or any of the other things that make us diverse.

In recent decades, the popular culture has played on keeping hair short. It spreads myths that long hair makes you look older, is hard to care for, and is impossible to do anything with. Despite the war on long hair declared by the media and it's 'fashion gurus,' thousands of women and men grow their hair long. For some it is religious reasons, for others cultural reasons, and still for others it is just what they feel 'beautiful' looks like.

How long am I growing? My goal is to get to at least the floor. Permitting, I might grow longer than that to see how far I can, something that is called "terminal length" by the long hair community as a whole. We shall see how far I get. :)

Dachshunds: Nature's Energy Vampire

I am convinced that a dachshund is an energy vampire. They come up to you, looking all cute, hop in your lap, and 20 seconds later BAM! you are asleep and another victim of the sausage vamp.

They have this mechanism that allowed them to gain your trust; known as the puppy eyes. In some cases, the clever bastards also have some manner of cuteness enhancing device. In the case of my sister's dog, Watson, he has a thing we call the nerf. He stares at you and stares and stares and if he gets no reaction you will hear a tiny little "eenurf" followed by a butt-wiggle. This will continue until he gets what he wants, namely your lap so he can suck the energy from you.

Other dogs, like my sister's other dachshund, don't wait for an invitation. They hop up, crawl right into your lap blanket or even your shirt and out their cold wet nose all over your warm skin (I'm talking about you, Sherlock!) and then begin to suck your life force from you so that you will sleep and they will get their human-sized bed.

The worse happens when they work together in packs like little hot-dog vampire wolves. One dog will get you to cuddle and get sleepy, then another will leap up and cuddle with you as well. By the time you have come out of the doxie coma, you have anywhere from three to seventy dogs piled on you. You don't even own seventy dogs and they there are! Like giant fluffy cockroaches, where the hell did they come from? Quick, someone turn on a light.

What can be done to stop these creatures of suck? Nothing... There is nothing that can be done to stop them, short of getting an animal cruelty charge and being locked away for a few months (*not condoning that act!*)

Alas, all you can do is give in. Give in and hope you did not have anything planned for that day.