I keep dropping weight, but I do not fear my tail not fitting... one of the pluses to it being made of cloth is that the type I used is stretchy and wont sag for a while longer, but that is where the pluses really end.Sure, making the last three tails I have had from cloth has made it cheaper. The additional painting, not so much, but I enjoyed doing it. I thought it gave the tails a little added flare and made it more personal and thus more creative.
I had to keep creating tails as the years went by. Not only from me losing 115 pounds (and still counting), but anyone who has a bathing suit knows how they tend to wear out. The fabric sags, loses its shine or details, and begins to tear. My first tail, dubbed the Black Tail, had little sequins all over it to make it shine. I think I left most of them scattered among pools on the East Coast in 2008. When that tail tore and got too big, I moved onto the second tail, dubbed the Blue Tail]. This one had added fins and a dorsal fin. I also made one for my fiancée so that we matched. The fabric was shimmery and looked like it had scales on it, but as it work out it came see-through and the illusion was shortly lost. The third tail that I have made I have nick-named the Spotted Tail, or sometimes the Marlin Tail, though it does not really look like a real marlin. The spotted tail is what my last photos were done in, and what this one will be done in on Thursday.
Somehow, I am not sure I will really feel like myself... like a real mermaid... in this tail. It has no obvious signs of wear and tear. In fact, it has held up really nice and the paint is still luminescent and beautiful. The foam in the dorsal fin is still holding up (which helps the fin to stand when it's in water), and though the tip of the tail do not stand out as they used to, they still hide the monofin inside the fluke all right.
But... It's so clearly a costume tail... I mean, who would it fool? Small children aside, I am not sure my tail is really that impressive anymore. This is not a new thought. I have had these down-on-my-tail thoughts for a long time; longer than I have actually been making them. I always wanted a lovely realistic tail. Something that when I was seen would make people not just raise a brow but marvel at it. I am not looking for fame or anything like Hannah or some other mermaids out there. I just wanted to have fun and look like the mermaid I know I am on the inside.
There are some tail makers who are around that if I had the funds right now, I would be purchasing tails and sending them my drawings (yes, you are one of them, Merman Jesse!) but just out of grad school with bills to pay and no job has left me... beached. Not to mention I wanted to be, well, more attractive when I got my nice tail. I am a not-so-little mermaid. Never have been. I made the first tail when I weighed 325 pounds. I didn't care then what people thought: I wanted a tail, I could make one, and I was going to do it and who cares what others thought! I still don't care of others approve, but.. I just want to be able to do it in a nicer tail. But I am stuck. Stuck with a Master's degree and no job. Stuck at 210 pounds. Stuck with no hope in sight of getting my tail dreams to come true.
While becoming Rapunzel (another post, another time) did help me get through the winter and give me some more inspiration in terms of dance and keeping me from falling into the depths of despair as I finished grad school and worked amongst the ill, demented, and dying for nine months, it is not replacement for a tail. Really, letting my hair down lets me walk among humans but still remember that I am different and that is okay.
I have such big dreams for tails, but the magic to make those dreams come true has seemed to have dried up like a tide pool in the summer sun.
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