This is a informational post for all those young men out there who are determined to pick up a chick at Walmart.
First of all: No. Just don't. Don't even think about it. It's fucking Walmart for the love of rice cakes! The only girls there are either dirty skanks (and if that is what you are going for, might I suggest you get some penicillin as well) or are only there because the store they normally go to for their cat food is closed because of the stupid new year.
Second: A good way to introduce yourself is not by bumping into them in an isle where the only other person is an old woman at the other end of it. Saying "Excuse me," is not an ice breaker. Now, one pass and a bump can easily be attributed to someone who is just dumb, but a second pass and bump is like being in the ocean and a shark has come up to see if you are good to eat. This is a warning signal in any rational woman's mind.
Third: Being polite and starting a conversation is good, but what is not good is bluntly asking, "What's yo name?" in a tone that is liable to get a cold shoulder right off the bat. Also, if asking a lady a question like that in a "Look at me I play lots of Mafia Wars" tone is what you consider awesome... go away and come back when you want to talk about your level 85 Paladin. I am a WoW Nerd, not a Mafia Wars geek.
Fourth: Pay attention to where you are. Do not ask the lady "Which of these foods is good for a dog?" when you are standing in the cat food section. You will get an honest answer of "Dog food is one isle over," which is code for "Get lost." "Oh, well.... I have a cat too," is not a good cover. Neither is picking up a random bag of cat food and saying, "So, dis one is good?"
Fifth: Now, for the average woman, asking them out for coffee is a sweet proposal and in general a good idea for the guy. Keep your tone light, smooth, and a kind look on your face. Those are all good ways to get what you want. However, please try to be observant. When the lady is purposely using her left hand to grab a bag of cat food or pretend she is reading the labels with it in order to show off her ENGAGEMENT RING, walk away. Just say "It was nice talking to you, thanks for the help with the cat food," and leave. Don't get annoyed when she turns you down and then ask in an agitated tone, "You got a boyfriend or somethin'?"
Sixth: It is a wise choice to admit defeat and make an attempt to bow out gracefully. Wishing the lady good fortune in her and her fiancé's marriage and life together may erase some of the creep-out factor you have spread over the pet section of the Walmart like a child vomiting after eating too much Christmas candy. Then again, we ladies with a good memory will not be swayed so easily.
One final thing, when you are putting the cat food back on the shelf, make sure that the lady you have been attempting to snag is not in the area still. This sight only confirms what she knew: You don't have a damn cat but were still looking for pussy.
