Sea-Green with Envy

Starting this post has to be one of the hardest things I have done recently when it comes to being open. I try not to open myself up a lot; as being closed like a clam and hiding who I am or what I am really thinking has gotten me to where I am in life; ie it is a means of survival. Given that I am not really happy with where I am right now in life, holding everything in might not have been that good of an idea. Alas, that is what I had to do to get through things and as I cannot change that now, all I can do is focus on what is going on currently.

I am a jealous mermaid. I am sea-green with envy, if you will. The manner in which I am is not in a petty high-school manner, though. I am not sitting up staring at those I am obsessed with online while chatting on the phone with my friends and trying to plot their downfall so that I may rise in the ranks of my own false awesomeness.

The manner in which I am envious is rather hard to explain but I am willing to give it a go. I worry that in my explanation I may come across as blaming others for what has happened and for why I am the way I am. I do not want to point fingers and blame those around me for times in which I should have stood up and said something, but I will state that in the argument of Nature-v-Nurture (which really if you think it's one over the other rather than an equal effect, you are far behind in the realm of psychology) that which is around you does effect you, for better or worse, and can have an influence on hoe your life plays out and what kind of person you develop into. Still, I will refrain for pointing any direct fingers.

A break down in what exactly I do envy in others might be the right kicker to get this thing going.

•  Long Hair
• Thin Body
• Confidence
• A Job [Doing What They Love]
• Ability to Do or Get Anything They Want [Perceptual]
• Having a Great Mermaid Tail

This list will be the easiest way to break down some of that which I envy and am jealous of in others and help me to remain focused on each subject without jumping between them too much. Some of the other things on the list will get their own posts later; I am already planning them.

Long Hair

I know what you are thinking. "Your hair is already long!" Some people out there considering it too long, but for me it is as though it is a pixie cut. Since I was young, I have a dream of having my hair to the floor. I found long hair to be exceedingly beautiful and I admired those who took the time to care for it and treat it as the gift it is. No, I am not part of a religious sect that demands I never cut my hair or that I grow it to a certain length. I envy my fellow long hairs (men and women) who have hair that is longer than mine (greater than 40 inches). I really envy those who have hair at their ankles (or past) with blunt or U-shaped ends. It is just one of those things that we all have that we find to be personally beautiful. At least mine, however, can be obtained without harming myself or others, right? It all requires patience and sometimes, especially when coupled with other things I must be patient for, I fear I do not have enough.

There are also fears that I will not be able to reach this goal. Fears that my terminal length (the length at which hair is capable of growing to, and which is different per person) may not let me get to my desired length.

Thin Body

I have been a big girl all my life. I was a quick developer and tall and plump. I had, and still do somewhat have, an eating disorder (though it is not formally recognized as one by the DMS yet). I was a constant target for bullying. Given that I am introverted, I did not act out on the anger and hurt I was feeling, but rather turned inward. I looked to art and my creativity to escape; sometimes writing short stories or poems or doing drawings that were dark or morbid just to get things out of my system.

I also turned to food. Sweet things were everywhere in popular culture in the 1980's and early 1990's. Characters that I loved would eat them, be happy and never changed no matter how much they had it. Think of all the ice cream sundaes that My Little Ponies had. I loved My Little Pony and I wanted to be happy like them and if eating a sundae and eating things that were sweet would do it, then I would eat them and be happy. It was never the case. I ate and ate until I had swelled to 325 pounds by the time I was 25. I worked to lose weight, to help myself become a better person in the physical sense. I had a range of health problems and was at risk for a ton (no pun intended) more. After trying to take care of my weight for numerous years, I went in and got lap-banded.

Contrary to what people believe, this was not an end-all-cure-all and there was a lot of pre-surgery counseling and classes that I had to go through to help me see that. This option was still be a lot of work and would change my life forever. Because of that choice over two years ago, I have dropped 117 pounds, but I am still left with about 60 to lose, and those pounds do not want to seem to come off. I am also left with a lot of loose skin which can hide progress I am making under a blob; just like when I had the extra fat there.

With all that and the constant bombardment that we face in Western Society, the weight loss is not enough. I need to have that perfect photoshopped form as well. You know the kind, where our hips are smaller than our heads (which is physically impossible) and our legs are twice their normal length. I do not want to be a supermodel; I just wanted to be normal. And though I -am- normal by modern American standards, that is not what I mean. I want those 70 pounds to finally go and my skin to start tightening up. I know it will be work, I am not afraid of that, but with all I have done so far to get rid of them and how I have not changed, I fear I will never change.

Confidence

Any person that is willing to don a mermaid tail and brave public waters (pools, lakes, and the ocean) surely must have confidence in themselves, right? Well, not so much...  My confidence rises and falls like the tides. The confidence I display when in my tail I believe comes from the ability I have picked up over the years that I call selective-hearing. I often pretend I do not hear people when they talk about me in my tail; since most people do not realize how loud they are talking or that sound carries over water much easier than over land.

The confidence that I yearn for is the type where I am given a task, something new or unusual, and I get right to it and can get it done or know where to go for help. I want this kind of confidence in myself and my work. One can argue that I do have this confidence when it comes to taking on new art or costume tasks (Rapunzel wig anyone?) but when dealing with people, I tend to fade away and fall back like a flower in the hot sun.

Why is this? Is it because I am introverted? The years of verbal abuse from bullies? I am not sure just one of those reasons can be held higher than the others. It will take some work to get through that, and I know it. I just wish right now that I had the means to practice those skills.

A Job [Doing What They Love]

I am envious of people with jobs that they love. This does not mean that I necessarily covet their job. For example, some people really love being a police officer but I know that I would not and thus I do not envy the job position, just that that person is happy where they are. 

I spent three years in school and have earned a degree in art therapy. Do I think this field is valuable? Yes I do. Do I think that is helps people with a multitude of problems at various stages in their life? Yes. Did I enjoy doing it when I was an intern? For the most part. There were hard times, of course, but I did enjoy the fact that the people I saw got something out of what they were doing and did enjoy themselves.

However, can I do this job my whole life? I am not certain. First, I do need to find a job that allows me to do it, and with the job market the way it is finding any counseling job is hard. Not to mention, finding a job where I can work towards a license...

I sometimes wonder if I am in the right field. All right, I often wonder that. Work will be hard no matter what I do, I get that. But I wonder if there was not a perfect job out there for me doing something creative and loving each moment of it? Who knows...

Ability to Do or Get Anything They Want [Perceptual]

I get envious of people that seem to have that which I want and got it without having to work for it. That is, of course, my perception. There are people out there who have things that I desire and worked very hard for them. I just have a skewed persepective on that person just being handed said item.

I have seen this in other people when they are viewing someone who is more physically fit than them. They assume that the thin person over there has just always been thin and does not have to work for that body. That person may spend most of their time at the gym, they may run miles a day or swim laps upon laps to get that shape. You never know. (I have also seen this go the other way where thin people perceive a fat person with a cookie as only eating junk food when that person may have been dieting or may not have had a cookie in a long time and that cookie be their treat for having worked so hard and lost a lot of weight already.)

It's human nature, I suppose, to be jealous of things of that nature and assume that people get things handed to them, especially if it is something you want badly. I try to remind myself that these people have earned it, but that does not always douse the fires within me.

Having a Great Mermaid Tail

Since I started mermaid-ing, I have wanted a great tail. I have fashioned three tails out of cloth (a fourth one on the way out of boredom), but they are lacking in realism. They are inexpensive to make and are great for training with, but I look at my photographs then at the images of other mermaids with nice silicone tails and I am embarrassed. It is as though I walked into a beauty pageant off the street and am trying to hold myself up next to beauty queens in their dazzling ball gowns and full makeup.

Most mermaids do not compete with others in terms of how their tails look. They do not state "My tail is soooo much better than <name>'s." At least, they do not do it publicly. I do not doubt that some mermaids with great tails look down on those with cloth tails just as those with cloth tails look up to the nicer silicone or latex or neoprene ones in awe.

My weight has kept me from getting a nice tail. I knew that it would not make sense to spend the money on a nice mermaid tail only to have it not fit in a matter of months. Thus, it can be argued that the only reason I have not gotten a nice tail yet is that I am keeping myself from getting it and it is my own fault. However, now that I am so close to my goal weight (albeit still 60 pounds off, but that is closer than I used to be), I feel that a nice tail is out of my grasp still. I am reaching for it, trying to take hold of the glorious fluke, but until that weight is gone and I have a job and the money, that tail will continue to haunt my dreams and fill my eyes with tears.

This posting too so long to do. I started it twenty-five days ago and have just now finished it. It was hard to sit here and work on getting these feelings out and trying to write them in such a way that was not a sob fest or a pity party. I do feel somewhat better, but I know these issues I will have to continue to deal with and deal with them I shall. Hopefully getting through them will make me stronger in the end.